#but bc of high stress the past two years

[naturalbornlosers]

i love ocd . paranoid my ~100 watt LEDs and my 0.64 watt string lights are gonna kill each other and by extension me just by being plugged into the same outlet

[astralis-ortus]

you're always enough

✱ boyfriend!bc x fem!reader

— losing you was not an option.

w.count → 2.3k genre → angst, fluff, a dash of comedy warning → mild cussing, mention of infidelity, insecure chan :( a.n → based on this request! it honestly was a challenge for me hahahㅠ i think it's been a while since i wrote something with this quick of a vibe change in a while but i'm glad i got to try again! ⋆ see masterlist

the clock at the bottom right part of his monitor shows its lingering around the 1pm mark—a mere 2 hours since he had stepped foot inside the building—and yet, he’s already stressed.

one block and straight to another, work hasn’t been looking good for him so far. he’s so ready to call for another break—but the soft knocks to the melody of twinkle twinkle little stars on chan’s studio door could only mean one thing.

“well hello there, miss producer,” chan’s frown turned into a smile in the split second you peeked your head between the crack of the door, eyes turning into a pair of beautiful crescents you oh-so adore. you couldn’t even stop yourself from smiling—chan just looked so adorable with his messy natural curls decorating his forehead, beanie discarded somewhere on his leather couch. “come on in. i missed you.”

4 years ago, you were graced with the opportunity to participate in a song camp with the 3racha—one of, if not the, biggest producers in your company. it was a great experience—you got to learn a lot of new things, and somehow, your luck seemed to prolong as you kept in touch with the boys; occasionally called in for inputs while some other time just to hangout while grabbing a bite when the three realized the unidentified voice bleed turns out to originate from your producing room.

“oh really?” your smile easily mirrored his as you stepped inside the cold room, not forgetting to close the door behind you, “you missed me?”

taking his extended hand, the wide grin painted on your face soon met the end of its reign as your boyfriend pulls you into his lap—tiny yelp involuntarily left your lips while chan had his arms wrapped around you in a tight hug. you couldn’t even continue with the witty remarks on the tip of your tongue when his complimentary dozen of butterfly kisses fell across the span of your face; all replaced with the series of giggles and ‘oh my god—stop!’s as you attempted to free yourself from his trap.

you thought your little crush on the oldest of the three was going to remain as a silly little crush—but as life turns out, it has somehow been around 2 years since chan asked you to be his girlfriend, and a little over a year since you two gradually came clean to your closest friends and coworkers; though the thought only came after repeatedly being caught secretly meeting up or sneakily holding hands during your increasingly overlapping recording sessions.

“you little monster!” a high pitched squeal slipped past your upturned lips when you finally caught his rosy cheeks between your hands, keeping him still as you brought your lips onto his for a few quick pecks—which seemed to work, seeing how chan’s antics now reduced to a simple giggle as he held you close.  “you really missed me that much?” you hummed, gently running your thumbs on his freckled cheeks.

“of course i do,” chan pursed his lips in protest, warm hand gently running down your side, “it’s not every day i couldn’t see my girlfriend both at home and at work. 24 hours a day alone wasn’t enough, and now it’s reduced? of course i’m bound to miss you!”

swarms of butterflies fill the hollow of your chest while you let laughter echoes through the familiar green walls, feeling both warm and ticklish from chan’s cheesy line. “gosh,” your wide set grin now completed with a tinge of rose-colored flush on your cheeks, “you’re so head over heels for me, aren’t you?”

chan’s reverberating low hum became his reply, nodding his head confidently. “of course i am,” he smiled, eyes twinkling as the pair of deep brown eyes peered right into yours. “aren’t you?”

“well,” you grinned, arms wrapped around your boyfriend’s neck, “maybe if—”

your train of thought was forced to a halt when you felt a buzz in your pocket, quickly hopping off chan’s lap after a quick glance at the name. a short apology was muttered before you finally took the call outside the studio, leaving chan feeling a little dumbfounded and… hurt.

chan knew it’s probably work—despite the promised time off since the artist you’re working with is on their vacation, as someone who works behind the scenes, you’re never actually off duty. there’s bound to be urgent matters you need to deal with, and chan understood that.

he's just… confused.

and his confusion certainly multiplies in size when he heard another voice laughing with yours, right outside of his studio.

“no! geez, didn’t i—oh!” your attention instantly shifted when you heard the studio door crack open, eyes catching your puzzled boyfriends’ as he looked at you and the figure across. “channie, this is kyungho sunbae. he’s a new addition to the team but i met him in college. kyungho sunbae, this is—”

“bang chan-ssi, of course,” kyungho cheerily greeted chan, extending a friendly hand. “i’ve heard a lot of good things about you!”

“oh,” the confusion on chan’s face turned into a tight smile—which equally reflected on his grip on the stranger’s hand. even through a quick scan of his eyes, chan notices a lot. “couldn’t really say the same, but welcome. i hope you’re adjusting well so far,” chan continued, returning his hand to the small of your back.

“i am, thank you! i—”

“i’m sorry i can’t really talk much right now, i have my things to return to,” chan was quick to cut kyungho off, surprising both you and the latter. “it was nice meeting you, though,” chan quickly bowed before disappearing behind the metal door, leaving you slightly bothered.

“well, i gotta get going too,” kyungho finally broke the awkwardness between you. “i’ll text you later about the details?” he smiled despite the peeking confusion behind his eyes, to which you nodded before sending him off.

it was unlike chan to behave like that. sure, he might grow a little rough with his actions when work hasn’t been going the way he wanted things to be, but he was doing just fine. he was all lovey dovey with you less than 5 minutes prior, wasn’t he?

“baby,” cracking the door open, you were met with a stern-faced chan—eyes locked to his monitors with a muffled bass resonating from the headphone over his ears. the sight led you to a defeated sigh; you knew better than anyone to not bother the lion when he’s in this state.

but little did you know,

when you decided to back away and close the door, chan felt as if his worst nightmare had come true.

he knows it’s stupid to think that you’d ever cheat on him, but there’s also no guarantee that you would never fall for someone else and realize that maybe your happiness wasn’t with him. it terrifies chan to realize that maybe one day, you’d meet someone and realize that there’s someone better than him—someone better looking, someone who could treat you better, someone who could give you everything that you could ever wished for.

chan is scared that he’s not enough, and never will be.

for someone who’s been in his seat for so long, chan understands that at times his life does feel rather fleeting—like he’s simply going through the motions as he tries to stay afloat. everything—everyone—goes by so fast, and along the way, chan somehow learned how to shut down his feelings just so he could survive. he knew—he hoped, that as life gets better, he’ll come to find the opportunity to learn how to feel again.

but then, again, not everything he knows he needed to do proves to be easy.

it took him a while, but when he finally reached a point where he felt like life’s doing better for him, chan finally realizes that he now has love within him to give. he tried sharing them with his bandmates, he tried sharing them with his friends and family—hell, he even tried to share them with every single soul he met, but nothing fills him with the sense of content he was looking for…

until he met you.

chan knew he shouldn’t—you were his coworker, but despite him trying his best not to view you in a special light, he couldn’t help but return his gaze to your bright smile whenever you’re in the room. sure, you’re passionate about what you do, and it sure inspires him—but to see how your shoulders relax whenever you pop open a new book, or how happy you looked browsing through the convenience store aisles while trying to find what kind of new snacks you’ve never seen before,

it feels like he finally found what to be at peace felt like. he finally knew what love should look like—and it’s you.

a soft touch on his shoulder snaps chan out of his trance, eyes wide as it met your worried pair. your gentle smile was the second thing he noticed, and his eyes finally trailed down to the box of pineapple juice and a few snacks along the roll of kimbab perched on his desk.

“i know you’re busy,” your voice finally came clear as soon as chan took off his headphone, “but you need to eat first, okay? it’s almost 2, and i know you didn’t eat much earlier before you left. i’m not gonna bother you again if you eat now—i’ll even head home if you need time to focus, but that’s as long as you eat. okay?”

“…then i’m not eating.”

“baby—”

“i don’t want you to go home,” chan reiterated—and that’s when you finally see the tinge of sadness behind his eyes. “i’m not eating if you’re gonna go.”

“oh baby—what happened?” your voice turned gentle as you took his face in your hands, gently grazing the pads of your thumbs over his skin. “are you okay? do you—”

“i’m sorry.”

“sorry?” you tilted your head, now confused. “for…?”

“just… everything,” chan exhaled, arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you close and rested his forehead on your stomach. “i know i’m difficult, but please. don’t leave.”

“baby you’re not difficult,” you furrowed your eyebrows, puzzled. what happened in the 30 minutes you were gone? did something terrible happened? all sorts of thoughts were running through your head.

“and i’m not leaving,” your voice were stern, and you felt the way chan slightly tightened his arms around you. “where am i supposed to even go anyway? i’m already home.”

if chan wasn’t tearing up before, then he sure is now.

“even if i’m not perfect?” he quietly muttered—and you’re slowly piecing the puzzles together. “even if i’m not tall enough? even if my hair is always messy? even if i’m not fashionable? even if—"

“stop right there, mr. bahng,” you stopped him, peeling yourself off from chan and gazed right at his flushed face, “why are you being mean to my boyfriend? where does this came from, hm? no one’s allowed to say shit to my boyfriend like that!” your pursed your lips and gently lowered yourself to place a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose, only then smiling when chan let out a soft giggle.

“were you upset about me talking to kyungho sunbae earlier?” you questioned, and despite the lack of reply from your boyfriend, you’re pretty sure you knew what his answer was based on the minuscule shift on his face.

“i’m sorry, baby. i thought our interactions wasn’t important enough, so i never really brought him up to you. had i known you’d feel differently about that, i would’ve told you right away,” you apologized, smiling as you noted the faint glint returning in his eyes. “we did met in college, but he was just a senior i came to shadow a couple times when i started out in the industry.”

“i was really surprised when he turned out to be the new guy in my team,” you continued, fingers gently tracing his features, “but what really shocked me was turns out, i actually know his wife.”

you watched as your boyfriend connected the dots, jaw falling upon realizing the tiny detail he had skipped through despite catching a short glimpse of thin silver band on his finger.

“i met his wife a few times since we were pretty close in high school, and he’s been trying to dig out some information from me since their anniversary is just around the corner and he wanted to surprise her. he was just making sure he got the details right without texting me since his texts are synced to their shared device,” you explained, letting a giggle slip when you caught the blush creeping up your boyfriend’s face.

“…i see.”

the echo of your laugh only grew in volume when your boyfriend began to avoid your eyes, resorting to him burying his face on your stomach. adorable.

“it’s okay, baby. i understand why you’d get jealous,” your lips were set into a wide grin as you held your boyfriend close. “i’m still really sorry, though. i really wasn’t trying to hide this, i promise. i’ll tell you straight away if anything like this ever happened again.”

“okay.”

“so…” reducing your giggles to a smile, you gently run your nails on your boyfriend’s scalp, trying to soothe him, “am i forgiven?”

a muffled whine and a nod after, chan finally gazed up at you and added, “if only you’re eating with me.”

“oh baby,” cradling his face in your hands with a smile, you inched closer and placed a light peck over his pouting lips, “i’ll even stay here and cuddle all day with you.”

only then, chan finally allowed himself to laugh.

“well, then don’t mind if i say yes to that.”

©️ astralisortus, 2024. | likes and reblogs are highly appreciated♡

[seonghwaddict]

in your arms — choi san

request by @sankatchu. “Just saw ur seonghwa angst and it absolutely destroyed my heart but since I am a wreck for angst could you write the most heart breaking angst (with a happy ending bc as much as I love it I can’t deal with no comfort 😍) for my man sannn <3 ?”

pairing. choi san x reader. genre. heavy angst, comfort. warnings. argument, car crash, injury description, a lot of crying, hospitalisation, pet name (my love). wc. 1117 words. (i would usually write 1.1k but this was too cute sorry not sorry).

[ listening to . . . ] lovememore. by dosii.

　　　　　　　　　main masterlist

your whole world shattered within a day and there’s nothing you’ll regret more than letting it happen. it was a day like any other, but soon enough small irritations that accumulated over the course of months finally snapped and caused an argument with your boyfriend and the love of your life, choi san.

the relationship you two had was always very loving and despite being together for nearly a year, you were proud to say you never had any serious fights with him. until today, you supposed. there wasn’t really a point to the argument but you figured he must’ve been stressed from work—comebacks were always a bit hectic—and neither of you had been getting much sleep.

“just stop being so selfish and so self-righteous and leave me be for a seco-”

“get out.”

his anger faltered for just a moment before it was back, much more visible than before; his shoulders tensed and his fists clenched. “what?”

“i said get out. you said you wanted me to let you be, so leave. get out and come back when you’re ready to talk this through properly.”

The subject of it didn’t really matter anyway and you couldn’t even remember everything that was said, just the way your heart shattered when he walked out of your apartment with a slam of the front door behind him. even though the sadness of it all hit you as soon as he was gone, your rage never settled. how dare he talk to you so harshly? san was a painfully soft man—gentle words and tender touches. you’d never seen him like that.

san wasn’t sure where to go at first, but soon enough he was in his car, driving down the nearly empty streets at one in the morning and heading to the dorms he shared with his members. buildings rushed past him and soon enough his rigid posture relaxed, his hands on the steering wheel loosening as he sighed deeply. he contemplated turning the car around to go back and apologise, but before he could he felt the air being knocked out of his lungs as the screech of tired ripped through the air.

for a moment everything was silent, san’s ears ringing as he slowly started to figure out his bearings. the car was flipped sideways as his left shoulder was pressed against the shattered glass of the window and the concrete of the ground. his thoughts were slow, a sluggish attempt to keep him awake as he tried to move his limbs. he ignored any injuries he had, his hand reaching for his very cracked phone as he called the first person that came to mind. you.

but you didn’t pick up.

so he left you a voicemail, the high pitch of sirens already approaching in the background. with a final “i love you” he ended the message, coughing just after as he clicked his seatbelt off and slumped against the ground. after a few more breaths, he let his eyes close.

you were positively hysterical once you finally listened to the voicemail, hot tears running down your cheeks as you rushed to the nearest hospital that they must’ve taken him to. after talking to the receptionist and figuring out where his room was, you burst inside the room and stopped in your tracks.

his members were there, looking pale scattered around the room in varying states of distress, but you barely registered them as your heart sank. there were a few cuts and bruises blossoming on the sharp features of his face, a small plaster taped on his forehead. his left shoulder was wrapped in bandages as well as his right wrist. someone hugged you tightly as they cried into your shoulder, you didn’t really care who, though you figured it was wooyoung judging by the familiar smell, but your eyes stayed fixated on the unconscious, fragile body of san, the monitor next to him beeping at a steady pace. 

once he let go of you and told you they had to leave for schedules since the company didn’t want fans to worry too much, you took some tentative steps to the hospital bed. even though he looked quite beaten up, he still had that tenderness about him. with a frown and small furrow to your eyebrows, you let your fingers trace of the scratched on his hand.

before you knew it, you were sitting on chair you pulled next to the bed, holding onto his hand for dear life as you laid your head on his lap, not caring that your tears were staining the pristine white blanket. eventually, you fell asleep like that.

the next morning you stirred awake, a familiar hand brushing through your hair. a small noise leaving your lips as you turned your head and looked up. suddenly you had the energy of five redbulls as you jumped up and embraced him tightly, ignoring the fact you were probably suffocating him as tears began streaming again.

“i’m s-so so sorry, are you okay?” you told him through sobs and sniffles, “god, i’m so stupid and you’re right, i’m selfish and i should’ve just shut up, t-this is all my fault.”

san lifted his right hand to pat your arm gently before grasping it and pulling you away from him with the same slowness. as your tearful eyes looked into his strikingly soft ones, his hand moved so he could wipe away your tears. “i’m okay, none of this is your fault. i never meant a single word i said, you’re not selfish and fuck i would never want you to shut up. i should be the one apologising, my love.”

you lips trembled as you nodded slowly. “b-but if i never made you leave this wouldn’t have happened, it is my fault.”

“whatever happened, happened. please, don’t beat yourself up over this.” he pulled you close to him and his lips pressed heartfelt kisses to your hair as you buried your face in his uninjured shoulder, one on the nape of your neck and the other rubbing your back. “it’s okay, i’m okay, love.”

“i should be the one comforting you.” 

he chuckled and moved his hand from your neck to your cheek, guiding you to face him before leaning up to press his lips against yours. it was a firm kiss, wordless reassurance that he knew you needed as you melted against him and pressed yourself closer. his lips left yours too soon for your liking as he pressed more fluttering kisses on your cheeks, stopping your tears in the tracks, leaning back as he pressed one last kiss to the tip of your nose.

“i already find comfort in your arms.”

　　[ lilo's notes ... ] this ended up being a lot sadder than i intended but i hope you like it sankatchu!! writing angst is honestly so much fun but sometimes my heart can’t take it

　　[ network ... ] @cromernet @blankjournal

　　[ perm taglist ... ] @ad0rechuu @sankatchu

[juyeonszn]

PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER (PT. 2)

PAIRING kevin moon x f!reader

WORD COUNT 5.60k

GENRES angst ﹒little bit of fluff ﹒little bit of smut

WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, mature language, reader is better than me cause i would not let kevin do all the shit he’s done 😭, ANYWAY i digress, this part is very reader-centric — whereas part one is very kevin-centric, inner turmoil goes absolutely crazy, most of this fic is reader putting kevin in his place and him realizing how big of an asshole he truly is, mentions of injury (past tense), mentions of insecurity, lots of arguing, reader cries at one point or another, the smut places a very minimal role in this, but unprotected sex, public sex (the auditorium dressing room), no foreplay but wtv we fall like soldiers in battle, pussy job lowkey (high key…), creampie, lmk if i missed anything!

SUMMARY it wasn’t like you and kevin hated each other. in fact, you quite admired him despite his somewhat indifferent attitude toward you. well, now that you’re paired up for the last dance of the year, you guess it’s the perfect time to find out why.

MORE oh my god. it’s finally fucking here. A MONTH, 2 SICKNESSES AND MANY MANY STRESSFUL NIGHTS LATER— part two of princess and the pauper is here!!! i’m so sorry to those of u who have been itching and waiting on me to get ‘er done,,, it’s been an ordeal to say the least, and while it’s nearing the two month mark since the black out or back out collab was announced, SHE FINALLY FINISHED!!! for once i saw something through omg i can sleep peacefully and work on my other wips without guilt now… 😭 ALSO THANK U SO MUCH MAYA @/kimsohn FOR PUSHING ME THROUGH THIS and for making me thug it out bc without u it definitely would’ve taken much longer to finish 💔 please dont forget to read part one and the other fics in the series if u haven’t!! both are linked below! and as always, pls reblog if u enjoyed <3

PART ONE | SERIES MASTERLIST

PERM TAGLIST @winterchimez @maessseongs @itsbeeble @zzoguri @deoboyznet @cloverdaisies @vernyangel @ericlvr @sunwooverse @kimsohn

TAGLIST @millksea @deobibbang @deobi0412

Never in your life have you felt so… Confused.

It wasn’t just confusion that settled deep in the pit of your stomach. There was a sharp pain there too, like someone stabbed you and twisted the knife. That was probably the best way to describe what you were feeling. You were bleeding out, and no one was coming to save you.

Kevin wasn’t answering your calls. He wasn’t answering your texts. He ran out of the lecture hall as soon as class was over, never giving you a moment to speak to him. It was making you nervous.

You still had half of a dance to choreograph and a fuck ton of pressure riding on your back. After the last performance you and him did together, you’d have a lot of eyes on you. It most definitely wasn’t your fault that he dropped you. How many people willingly want to acquire a broken ankle? The crutches were a bitch to maneuver around with. But like every single thing that’s happened in the three years you’ve known Kevin Moon, he’s managed to place the blame on you like it was.

It was crucial that you make amends with him even if it was momentarily. Your final grades were dependent on your performance. If he couldn’t get his shit together for at least that, he was a lost cause in your mind. Not even your professor would be able to refute that fact. Actually, nobody would be able to refute that fact.

Your lips form an O as you blow the steam away from your coffee, pulling out your phone to try Kevin’s phone once again. The line rings a few times before going straight to voicemail like it has the past couple weeks. You kiss your teeth, tying your sweater around your waist as you slump in your chair. The baristas at the campus cafe were probably sick of seeing you sitting in the same high-top counter spot since the incident with Kevin in the studio.

“Y/N?”

Ji Changmin appears beside you and you click your phone off, so he wouldn’t see his friend’s contact on the screen. You give the Early Childhood Dev major a weak smile.

“Changmin! What’s up? How are you and your girlfriend?” You hope he can’t recognize the distress written all over your features. You highly doubt it, though. You can feel the wrinkles pulling at your skin.

“We’re good! How’s the showcase performance going with Kev?” He asks like he knows something you don’t. When your lips fall to a thin line, an all too familiar grimace, he sighs a knowing sigh. “Do I have to smack some sense into him?”

“Not gonna lie, yeah, you do. He’s being really fucking difficult and like half of our dance is unfinished. I can’t even get a hold of him, so I’m starting to lose my patience.” You express your annoyance. The border between complacency and free-will was a lot slimmer than one might think. For example; your feelings when it comes to Kevin Moon.

You don’t expect to get a returning call later that night when you’re washing dishes after dinner.

In fact, you don’t even hear it at first, too absorbed in scrubbing the staining out of your bowl. It’s when your roommate yells out to you, that you snap out of your reverie, albeit dazedly. You dry your hands on a nearby tea towel, hitting the green answer button without a second glance at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Are you free tomorrow?”

Your heart catches in your throat. You recognize the owner of the voice practically by the first breath into the receiver alone. It’s actually kind of unhealthy how quickly it took to realize who was on the other end. You swallow heavily, praying he doesn’t hear the gulp.

“In the latter part of the afternoon, I believe. Why?” You try not to sound hopeful. That’s one thing you’ve learned being in the same vicinity as Kevin Moon. You could never be too expecting, because it would only lead to disappointment. And you’d dealt with enough of that the past few years.

“We need to finish this fuck ass choreography,” he grunts, and it takes everything in you to bite your tongue. “I’ll meet you in the same studio at 4.”

He doesn’t let you get anything else in, hanging up swiftly. You deflate as you set your phone back on the counter. All you had to do was push through these next couple weeks, like you always have when it came to him.

That should be a piece of cake, right?

Wrong.

“No, that looks stupid.”

You grit your teeth, swiping the back of your hand on your forehead. You’d been inside of this studio maybe 30 minutes tops, and you were on the verge of strangling Kevin. With as long as you’d been putting up with his shit, you thought getting through this wouldn’t be as rough as it’s been. But if there was one thing Kevin Moon had, it was pride.

“We don’t have time for you to nitpick right now. Let’s just finish the choreography and clean it after.” Your hands rest on your hips, nostrils flaring.

“If we clean as we go, we’ll have more time to drill it into our systems and get down muscle memory. It’ll be a stronger performance.” He argues. You roll your eyes as you turn away from him, taking a water break to calm yourself. “Why do you have so much fucking attitude today? You were the one preaching to the choir about me making things difficult. It seems the tables have turned.”

Usually, you were pretty good at keeping your frustration at bay when it came to Kevin’s remarks. You liked to think it was because you were down bad for the guy, despite him always wanting nothing to do with you. But as of late, (Read: Since your performance of Princess and the Pauper) every little comment he’s made has managed to crawl under your skin like a damn parasite. You were beginning to get real sick of it.

“God, you’re so—“ You interrupt yourself to groan, fingers curling into fists. “You’re fucking insufferable. Do you know that? I’ve been bending over backwards to ensure we aren’t kicked out of the goddamn program and you don’t even fucking care. Over what? A kiss that you initiated?”

Kevin is stunned into silence, not at all prepared for you to blow up on him like that. After all, that razor thin line between complacency and free-will had yet to be crossed. And well, it appears that you just crossed it. You whip around toward him, pulling down the collar of your t-shirt to reveal the faintest of bruises that still remains from your impromptu act of intimacy.

“I’ve had to look at this every day for a week and all it’s done is make me feel shitty, ashamed of something I didn’t even start. Now I need you to stop acting like an ass and get it together so we can finish this and perform the best dance this university has ever seen.” Your chest is heaving up and down, similarly to when you made out against the mirrors last week. Except this time isn’t out of breathlessness, but rather anger and exhaustion.

Kevin’s eyes don’t leave the hickey on the base of your throat, something undetectable swimming in them as he stares. You can’t read the emotions swirling rampantly in his irises, a mixture of too many blurring into one another. Honestly, it’s funny. It’s funny that it’s taken you this long to get him to shut his mouth for once.

So you laugh.

It’s a snort at first, an off handed projection of how comical the situation has become to you. But then it metamorphoses into a small giggle, which leads to full scale laughter that has you hunching over your knees and wiping away tears. This whole thing is stupid. Absolutely fucking stupid.

“What are you laughing at?” His eyebrow raises in question, broken from his weird trance.

“I just can’t believe it took three years for me to shut you up,” you shake your head slowly, rubbing your eye with the heel of your palm. “You’re always the one who can’t stop talking.”

Kevin deadpans, mouth pulled pin-straight as his expression drops. “You’re so unserious.”

As the height of your laughter reaches a valley, you collapse onto the ground, resting your back against the mirror. You take another long sip of water before sighing. “Look, I know this isn’t ideal. Trust me, I know. But, we’ve gotta set aside our differences just this once. Please, for the sake of the department.”

“Fine,” he murmurs, plopping down beside you to stretch his back. “Let’s finish choreographing so we can start cleaning it up.”

It’s a victory in your book, and probably the most obedient the Pisces has ever been. Maybe this wouldn’t end in complete disaster like you assumed it would. It turns out Kevin Moon wasn’t entirely brainless and knew when he was wrong. Sometimes. Maybe. We’ll see.

You shut your eyes and visualize what you’ve choreographed so far, going over the moves in your head to see if the rest will come to you like a prophecy. It’s wishful thinking, but with how much you’ve accomplished since setting foot in the studio, you’re willing to try anything. The track would be nice for elements of hip hop style choreography, but you knew the audience wouldn’t eat it up as much as they would the route you’re currently taking.

Driver roll up the partition, please…

The song plays through the speakers and you watch as Kevin stands to run through everything you have. You’re entranced by his movements, the flow of his body on certain points. It’ll look ten times better once you’re doing it with him, costumed and performing it perfectly in front of a crowd. You can picture it now, the gentle but controlled glide of his hands along your arms when Beyoncé sings “We ain’t even gonna make it to this club”. He was right. You very well might be seduced by your enemy.

“Should we use props?” You suddenly voice, eyes narrowed in thought. He hums.

“That’s… not a half-bad idea, actually,” his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “What did you have in mind?”

“A chair, maybe,” you look away from him, placing your focus on the way your toes alternate between a tendu and relaxed position. “That could take up a good chunk of the choreo.”

Kevin stalks over to the supply closet in the corner of the studio, pulling out a folding chair. He puts it in the center of the room gently, careful to not scratch up the wooden, lacquered flooring. You spend the next couple of hours brainstorming through numerous versions of the dance. While it was a lot easier than your past practices, there were still the occasional argument over which movements looked good and whatnot.

At a certain point, everything becomes cohesive and the end is near. You gulp down some water as Kevin does some random choreography. It’s then that it comes to you, like a vision from That’s So Raven. You practically drop your water bottle, scrambling to your feet and stopping him. Your breath is heavy from fatigue and you’re slightly afraid of even suggesting this, but it’s exactly what this dance needs. It’s exactly what everyone wants to see from the two of you.

He pauses the music and gestures for you to get on with it. You push down the lump in your throat, scared of rejection. But maybe he was smart and he would agree that this is what you have to do. “What if we did a lift?”

You see the hesitation swirling in his eyes and you raise a finger before he can shut you down entirely. “Nothing crazy like… um— you know— Princess and the Pauper, but something smaller. Something… sexy? Like, Dancing with the Stars type beat.”

When he shrugs instead of outright dismissing your idea, you know you’ve won. He nods slowly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. “Okay, sure. But we better clean up everything else fast so we can perfect the lift.”

The two of you take another three hours running the entirety of the choreography, ingraining the moves into your brains and muscles. You still had a bit until the actual showcase, but your priority now lies with the lift. If you nailed it, the entire department would very well grovel after you in reparation for all of the slack you got after Kevin dropped you. Hell, the entire university would kiss your feet. This was your redemption. In more ways than one.

You both decide to call it a day at around 9:30 PM. Your hands reach for your belongings and then you halt yourself, a thought coming to mind. While you had him in this weird state of obedience, you figured it was as good a time as any to ask the question that’s been weighing on you for the past few years. Your fingers swipe away the sweat beading around your hairline.

”Kevin,” you start, voice a lot softer than before. “Why do you— what did I do to make you dislike me so much?”

He’s caught completely off guard, eyes widening in surprise. If he was anticipating you to say anything else prior to parting ways tonight, he didn’t think this would be it. He’s actually a little off put that you hadn’t asked him this already in the span of your definitely-one-sided rivalry. He takes a large gulp of water.

”I’d call it indifference, not dislike,” he corrects after a pregnant silence. “It’s really fucking stupid thinking about it in hindsight. I don’t know if you remember this time, way back in our first year, we ran into each other at the campus cafe— literally, might I add— and you spilled your coffee all over this white shirt of mine that Changmin had gotten for me as a birthday gift. I only recently found out that it wasn’t as expensive as he made it out to be.”

You blink at his admission, processing his words as thoroughly as possible. You don’t know what you wanted him to say. You weren’t even sure if there was a concrete reason for him to be so fucking mean to you all this time. And now that you know, you come to the conclusion that Kevin Moon isn’t as smart as you’ve painted him out to be in your head. He’s actually a gigantic idiot. Because who in their right mind goes through these lengths to form a distance between the only other person on par with their talent?

Before you can stop yourself, you’re bursting into another fit of laughter. Kevin falters at your reaction. He was waiting for you to blow up on him, to scream in his face for causing you so much pain and unnecessary drama over something so silly. So when you do none of that, when you start fucking laughing like a damn hyena, he feels dumb. Like his entire college career has been built off of nothing.

”This is so—“ you pause to gather your bearings, wiping away the tears that managed to escape. “We’ve spent so much time going back and forth over some spilled coffee? Surely you’ve realized how insane that is at some point.”

”It took a lengthy argument with Changmin, but yeah, I did,” he nods, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

You worry your lower lip between your teeth, finally getting your things together. The two of you bid each other an awkward goodbye. Neither of you knew what to make of your relationship now that things had been partially sorted through. There was a fuck ton of baggage that still had to be sifted, but at least you had an answer.

That was enough to push through this showcase performance. You think.

You’re nervous.

Never in your entire life have you ever been this nervous for a performance.

You grew up doing musical theatre and dancing, it’s always been the one constant presence you could rely on. But standing here, backstage at the showcase, you think you’re going to throw up. Your palms are clamming up uncontrollably and your chest feels unbearably heavy as you watch the quartet doing a contemporary piece to some ballad you couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of. There were still a couple groups before you.

Not even when you had to perform fuckass Princess and the Pauper were you this anxious. You wince, trying to stop the incessant bouncing of your leg. Your weight keeps shifting from one hip to the other. As a seasoned veteran, you don’t know why you feel this way. Maybe it had to do with all the pressure riding on this very dance. Every single eye in that crowd was going to scrutinize your every move on that stage.

“Calm down,” a voice whispers harshly from beside you. “You’re making me nervous.”

Kevin wraps his fingers around your wrist, stopping the annoying tap-tap-tap your own were doing against your thigh. He gives you a look, and you sigh. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

That’s a lie. Not only was the high expectations from the entire school getting to you, but so was the fear of history repeating itself. He knows this, it was inevitable. After what happened the last time he was tasked with lifting you, it was only natural.

”We’ve drilled this dance hundreds, if not thousands, of times, Y/N. We’ll do just fine.” Kevin assures you.

His hand feels foreign holding yours, like it was illegal for his skin to be touching your own. You feel your lower lip quiver, a sense of trepidation that you’ve never once felt creeping down your spine. Your mind was spiraling, and quite honestly, Kevin being so close was making it worse. All you could think about was him dropping you again, leaving you in the middle of the stage with a broken leg and a broken heart. You release a shaky breath and he turns to face you.

Your eyes widen and he searches your face for any disingenuity. When he finds his answer, he brings the hand that was holding yours up to cup your cheek. He’s cautious, afraid he might break you like he always does. He waits for you to shove him away and to yell at him for being a fucking coward.

You don’t. You stay still, hoping he follows through with what you think he’s about to do. And then he does.

It’s such a featherlight peck of his lips on your own, you almost don’t even register. But sparks shoot from the source all the way to the tips of your fingers. You feel as if you were dealt a static shock of electricity, your whole body buzzing from the small kiss alone.

He pulls away just in time for the stage manager to inform you that you’re next. Kevin rolls his neck jogging over to the wings to patiently await your performance like he hadn’t just kissed you a moment ago. You blink dumbly, two fingers coming up to touch where his lips had been. Sure the nerves were gone now, but the sensation of butterflies swarming about in your stomach easily replaced that. What the fuck was his problem?

“Our last performance is one I’m sure all of you have been waiting for. Kevin Moon and Y/N L/N with Partition!”

Before you know it, you and Kevin are in position, your body squared upstage and his to the crowd. Your eyes are closed, but you can feel his arm wrapped around your waist and his steady breathing on your nose. The spotlight switches on, the heat of the lighting warm against the side of your face. It’s silent in the auditorium, but it rings in your ears. You could do this.

Let me hear you say ‘Hey Miss Carter’…

You move on reflex, muscle memory kicking in instantaneously. Each circle of your hips, every turn you make— a fouetté here, a pirouette there, a couple coupes, each roll of your body. But what really gets you is the long brushes of Kevin’s skin on your own. You’d practiced with distance between the two of you. There was a tension that had been there for years. Now it’s all coming to a rolling boil, a new uncharted tension that every single member in that audience could see.

And then comes the lift.

You, along with everybody in the auditorium, practically hold your breath when Kevin’s hands grip your hips. He raises you above him with all of his strength, completely focused on you and only you. You shut your eyes and feel the moment, like, really feel it. Your body is relaxed, the Dirty Dancing-esque lift bringing the whole performance together just like you knew it would. The only difference from the movie and real life is the fact that you’re flipped, your backside to Kevin and your chest to the ceiling.

Your eyes flutter open, the spotlight all but blinding you, and you finally feel content. Like everything has fallen into the right place for once in your life. Especially so when Kevin sets you down gently and you finish your dance with the utmost confidence.

The crowd erupts into a roaring chorus of applause, going as far as giving you a standing ovation. Holy shit. You pulled it off. You actually managed to pull it off.

Your face feels like it might split from how big your smile is. You and Kevin bow, walking off stage. You’re entirely too happy right now, a newfound energy overtaking you as you trail behind him.

“We did it!” You cheer as you follow him towards the dressing room where your things are. You’re the only ones left backstage, everyone else filtering out between performances. Kevin doesn’t give you much of a response, just a small nod of acknowledgment. Your smile falters. “What the hell is your problem?”

”Nothing, Y/N, fuck. Can you just mind your own fucking business?” He snaps, turning around to glare at you just as the door slams behind you. You instinctively flinch at both loud noises. His features soften but you take a step back from him.

You aren’t sure why you’re surprised. This isn’t anything new. Kevin has always made it crystal clear that he wasn’t your number one fan. Being neutral for your performance wasn’t enough to repair all the holes in whatever your relationship was, and you should’ve known better. You shouldn’t have let your guard down so easily. You should’ve expected this. Old dogs can never learn new tricks.

But Kevin’s scared. He’s afraid of letting you in after all the mess he’s put you through. The only thing he’s good at doing is hurting you, over and over like there was a prize that came out of it.

”Look…”

”No, you listen to me,” you swallow heavily, tears already tight lining your eyes. “Kevin, I have taken so much shit from you. Over these past few years I have just sat there and let you unload all your fucked up insecurities onto me. Have you ever wondered why? Have you ever thought to stop and think about why I let you be so mean to me without even questioning it?”

He says nothing, just stares with his lips parted. They open and close like a fish out of water, words there at the tip of his tongue but refusing to make their escape. And then one of your tears rolls down your cheeks and he’s directly in front you, his heart on his sleeve for the first time since you’ve met him.

”Why?” The simple question is so quiet, you almost don’t hear him. But his eyes hold so much hurt, so much anguish that you’ve never seen in a person before.

“I’ve had feelings for you for so long, it’s actually starting to ache. You’ve only ever seen me as this thing, this obstacle. And I’m afraid that that’s all I’ll ever be to you, because you won’t let me be anything else. You won’t—“

”That’s not true, Y/N,” Kevin sighs, looking off to the side, away from you. “I just— it’s complicated. It’s more than just being rivals.”

”So help me understand,” you frown. “Let me in, please.”

”My entire life I’ve had to work to get to where I am. I’ve fought tooth and nail to be as good of a performer as I am today. There were so many hoops I had to go through to even get into this program and— and I thought I’d finally become the best I could be. I thought that there was no way anyone could ever be better than me. And then you showed up. You and your pretty smile and your natural ability to be the best at everything you do. It was like you were the real life manifestation of all of my critics, of every challenge I faced to get here. Where I had to practice day and night to perfect something, it just came to you like second nature. During Princess and the Pauper, when I dropped you, it truly was an accident. But we’d spent so much time nailing it, that it— I just made myself feel better by saying it was your fault. ‘How could it have been my fault if I perfected it?’ I was jealous and petty and it was just easier to blame hating— to blame my indifference on you spilling coffee on my stupid shirt. For that, I’m sorry.”

You don’t know what you were waiting to hear, but it wasn’t that. Your tears turn into full on blubbering, because what the fuck? That’s so much burden for someone to carry on their shoulders for three years.

“Why are you— why are you crying?” He flounders, reaching up to swipe away your tears.

“I wish I knew… I wish I could’ve helped you somehow,” you sniffle. “Kev, I’ve always admired you and your work ethic. I hoped one day I’d be half as disciplined as you, half as determined.”

He blinks. You’re both dumb, aren’t you? Too focused on the wrong things. You both could’ve been a lot less hateful, a lot less miserable, had you just spoken your differences out. This entire rivalry has been completely one sided, but also built off of plain stupidity and ignorance. He supposes it’s not too late to make amends if you aren’t running in the opposite direction despite everything he’s put you through.

Kevin leans forward, hand still pressed to your cheek, and connects your lips softly. He’s testing the waters, making sure you’re comfortable before he continues anything. When you don’t back away just yet, he adds more force, deepening the kiss like a man starved. You whine against his lips.

This is what you’ve been wanting from him. More than what he gave you before your performance, but not what happened in the studio a few weeks ago. This desperation isn’t abashed lust, it’s unbridled affection— it’s everything he’s holed inside of himself for years, unwilling to let it see the light of day until now. If you were to label anything as perfection, it wouldn’t be a dance or a moment on stage, it would be this. Just you and Kevin finally bringing yourselves together in the most intimately emotional union.

He pulls you closer to him, hands sliding down to grasp at your waist, bunching up the thin fabric of your leotard. You can’t help but bury your fingers in his hair, tugging when he nips at your lower lip. A gasp permeates the air when his mouth travels south, along your jaw and down the side of your neck. He bites and sucks the tender skin at the base of your throat, ensuring he leaves his mark on you. This time isn’t careless, this time he has purpose. He wants everybody to know that you’re his, that you’re the only person insane enough to put up with him.

Your breathing is shaky when you reach behind you to lock the dressing room, dragging him over to the long vanity adjacent to you. He slots between your legs when you hoist yourself onto the surface. He pecks your lips and pauses his movements, rubbing up and down your thighs. In the dim, yellow lighting of the room, you look so gorgeous. He’s always thought you were beautiful, the most stunning thing he’s ever laid his eyes on, but he’s repressed it for so long. He wants to take his time staring at what he’s avoided.

”You’re so pretty,” he says quietly, kissing you again and again and again. “I don’t think I can last long with you.”

“Can we skip the foreplay?” You ask, bottom lip jutted into a pout. “Need you to just fuck me like you mean it.”

Kevin’s forehead falls to your shoulder with a groan. “I don’t deserve you,” God, he’s such an idiot for holding out from this. You should’ve been given the world and so much more. He has a lot of lost time to make up for. He kisses your shoulder with a sigh. “Yeah, baby, I can do that.”

You don’t waste another second, slipping your arms through the sleeves of your leotard. He has to bite down on his tongue when he sees that you’re braless, fingers going slack as they unbutton the rest of his silk shirt. You shimmy out of the one piece, left in nothing but the fishnet stockings you wore underneath and your lacy panties. Kevin thinks he must’ve done at least something right in a past life to experience this.

Your eyes sparkle as you look up at him, undoing his slacks and kicking them down his legs with your feet. Something takes over him when he rips a bigger hole in your stockings, pushing your underwear to the side. His thumb glides through your folds with ease, your slick providing enough lubricant. He pushes your lower lips apart while you busy yourself shoving his underwear to his ankles.

His cock slips inside of you with less friction than he would’ve thought, but he doesn’t complain, screwing his eyes shut as he acclimates to the feeling of your walls surrounding him. You moan, such a soft sound that he nearly loses his balance.

“You feel so good, baby,” he coos, digging his fingers into your hips as he rocks his own. “You’re so so perfect.”

The praise is too much for you, given the circumstances. Your brain is already cloudy, stuffed with what could only be described as cotton. You watch with half lidded eyes as he begins to piston into you at a faster speed. This all feels like a fever dream, something that was only possible in your craziest fantasies. Even then, it seemed unlikely.

“‘M close, Kev,” you whine, unable to stay still and attempting to match his thrusts.

“Already? We’ve only just started, gorgeous.” He laughs, but it’s breathy, strained from the exertion of his body. You hardly have the strength in you to be embarrassed about it, especially since he’s seen you in much worse situations.

You nod frantically, snaking a hand between you to circle your clit with nimble fingers. Kevin halts you and pulls out momentarily, sliding his cock between your folds like it was your hand. The tip catches your sensitive bundle of nerves repeatedly, making you dizzier than you already were.

He presses back into you with ease, resuming his sloppy but animalistic pace. He uses his thumb to continue your handywork, your cunt fluttering around him needily. You’re both losing your sanity quickly, both going batshit insane over the bare minimum. You’ve just needed this for so long, yearned for this moment for a humiliating amount of time.

Your moans start to rise in pitch and he groans. “Fuck, baby, you can cum for me.”

He could cry, he thinks, when your back arches and your legs shake with your orgasm. It hits you like a freight train, triggering his own release just as fast.

You stay like that for a bit, regaining yourselves and comprehending everything that’s just happened. So much for the whole hating each other narrative.

“What does this mean for us?” You suddenly ask, arms hooked around Kevin’s neck. You’re still connected by your lower halves, but he makes no effort to pull away. Part of you likes it that way, it gives you hope that this isn’t a one time affair.

“It’ll be hard for things to change overnight,” he says, massaging your sides. “We have a lot of unresolved issues and insecurities that we still have to push past. But I’m willing to do that with you. I want to take a chance on us.”

Your lips pull into a smile, an expression you don’t think you’ve worn around him genuinely in the years you’ve known him. “I do, too.”

“It’s kind of ironic that it was a performance that tore us apart and brought us back together, don’t you think?” He laughs.

“And we fucked in the dressing room…” You add, glancing to the top corner where a security camera is stationed.

“Maybe we should get out of here before someone checks the footage,” he suggests. “Tau Beta Zeta is conveniently hosting our end of semester party tonight, do you wanna be my plus one?”

“I would be honored.” You grin, pecking his lips tenderly.

Perhaps happy endings existed after all.

© juyeonszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.

[anqelified]

✶𓏲ּ𐀔.ᐟ ⠀⠀⠀JULIETTE⠀ ( 🐰 ) relationships ! ───── sm family 𖤛

features : boa, tvxq, super junior, snsd, shinee, exo, red velvet, aespa, riize

▶︎ FAMILIAL FIGURES

⠀⠀ boA ( 보아 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀90%

when boa debuted, juliette was just getting to be born

with the fifteen year age gap, boa essentially took juliette under her wing like everyone else.

told her the hardships and challenges as a soloist but managed to be her first confidant.

fans LOVE their interactions sm like always point out juliet is boa’s baby 😭 😔

mother & daughter type of duo!!

⠀⠀ TVXQ ( 동방신기 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀80%

just like the rest of the 1980 - 1994 artists, juliette has more of a familial relationship with them

changmin & juliet had have collaborated in the past before and he’s always regarded her as a talented artist

just like changmin, u-know respects juliet for her hardwork as an idol and is always open to hearing out her troubles

⠀⠀ SUPER JUNIOR ( 슈퍼주니어 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀75%

to be honest, juliet only fw a few of the suju members. donghae & eunhyuck and probably leeteuk

although she’s more closer to the d&e duo, she puts suju in high regard as her seniors and their level as 2nd gen stars

she does talk to them occasionally tho

⠀⠀ SNSD ( 소녀시대 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀90%

mothers and their daughter i fear

besties w tiffany and their bond is to die for

snsd > 2ne1 srry

juliet FOUGHT on the forums for them

it’s like sisterhood but also motherhood in a way so like… idk they just love juliet and they baby her whenever they get the chance to

⠀⠀ SHINee ( 샤이니 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀90%

shinee took juliet under their wing once they met the 10 year old. when they were introduced to the pre-teen, they were in definite shock and became her older brothers

one of the core memories she has with them are the way the members would help her with her homework. since taemin had debuted awfully young as well, the pair would often be seen helping each other in their respective studies (with jonghyun stressing bc now he had to take care of TWO kids.)

key made it his responsibility to protect juliet throughout his life. of course she wasn’t the youngest person in sm, but at the time, she was just a mere ten-year-old girl who wanted to follow her dreams

⠀⠀ EXO ( 엑소 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀85%

just like shinee, most of exo (especially suho) took juliet as their daughter

often coined as the mini baekhyun w her massive amounts of energy

talking abt baekhyun, the vocal line is the reason why juliet manages to a “voice pocket” in her dimple. they always manage to teach her new ways to either sing or hit a note

but definitely older brother(s) & younger sister energy

⠀⠀ RED VELVET ( 레드벨벳 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀90%

juliet was originally supposed to be in red velvet as she appeared in the ‘happiness’ mv but the idea was later scrapped

she trained with them and formed a sisterhood bond

out of all of the members, she’s super close w yeri and they have their own little girl dates together

irene is just a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids (wendy, joy, yeri, & juliet) and never stops

▶︎ FRIENDS

⠀⠀ AESPA ( 에스파 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀100%

just like dream, she’s more closer in age w aespa

she bonds more with giselle and they have such a tight friendship, u would think she’s dating giselle

as aespa goes to more award shows now, she’s seen tagging along with them and often coined as the hidden member.

when juliet found out that aespa was going to debut, she cheered bc she finally had more girls her age in the sm building 🙏

▶︎ GETTING TO KNOW

⠀⠀ RIIZE ( 라이즈 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀89%

when she found out shotaro and sungchan were leaving nct but debuting in riize, she cried…

YET she still truly has to make friends with the rest of the riize members. like yes she will film a challenge w them but afterwards it gets quiet…

bias in riize? probably sohee. she finds him so adorable

THO she LOVEEEESSS their music.. like play talk saxy and she will SING. like name a song that u can both cry and dance to...

▶︎ TO BE ANNOUNCED

⠀⠀ HEARTS2HEARTS ( 하츠투하츠 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀–%

⠀⠀ dearALICE ( 디어 앨리스 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀–%

⠀⠀ MYTRO ( 마이트로 ) ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀–%

[cerosin-bis]

Hello Cerosin :]

I have several questions, if I may.

1. How are you?

2. Has Nikto always been bad at taking care of himself or is that a result of the torture?

3. how does Krueger handle rejection, if he's interested in someone?

4. In your fic "Anger Management" (btw I love both your arts and writings!) Nikto hugged Krueger tight, before Krueger fucked him. It says "it's conflicting for Nikto" what does that mean? Would Nikto like to have a normal relationship with someone? Like, does he want/need a certain tenderness but knows Krueger probably isn't able to show it?

Thank you for your time and all your great works for this ship! It literally wouldn't exist without you and I mean it in a good way!

Have a good one and be safe :]c

Hi hello! 1. I'm doing mostly fine! Thank you for asking 🥺 I hope you're well, anon!

2. I think Nikto never really practiced "self-care" due to both his education (or lack thereof...) and his personality. However it's noticeably worse since his torture and the development of his mental illnesses/conditions because he now barely even thinks of basic human needs.

3. Good question. I think he'd be very frustrated because it's RARE, but be able to move on very quickly. Orrrr he would try extra hard (which ultimately does succeed but at very high costs with dire consequences. this would have happened with Nikto, but didn't need to because these two were doused in gasoline to begin with imo.)

4th answer regarding Nikto, Krueger and intimacy under the cut bc this got long.

(And thank you so much. I don't want to be presumptous as to say I ~invented~ the ship because there were like 3 fics when I posted Remanence already, but feeling like I was able to set its foundations in art and then consistently over the past years is unbelievable when I see where it is today.)

4. Thank you so much for letting me know you like both my art and my fics!! I feel like I never say it enough, I'm incredibly grateful people are reading all the shit I put out, let alone let me know they liked it. 😭

So, in my headcanon, Nikto craves intimacy in very very short and specific "windows", but he has a conflicted relationship with it as a concept.

Krueger can display tenderness/intimacy without a second thought if he knows it's needed by the context (and this is one), but his affectivity is abnormally... dulled? if I may say. Krueger's emotions are genuine... but extremely dampened. So it suits Nikto, because it's "as if" there were no feelings (there are. but it's beyond gestures, it's whatever they have. the codependency and violent devotion, the wordless communication... Tenderness is a rare occurrence in this whole frame - an occurrence that Nikto likes, but would rather not acknowledge, if this makes any sense.

In my headcanon, again, Nikto wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship with anyone. Normalcy repels and scares him, and even if it wasn't the case... Without extensive therapy, which he will likely never want to get, he has too many issues regarding emotions, attachment, jealousy and violence. (I want to stress this again, this is just my specific and personal hc of the character)

[instructionsnotincluded]

I'm so curious about Frank's thoughts on having children with Bucky. Like due to her past experiences is she worried??? scared??? anxious?? I mean i know I would be after a marriage like that. Not only that but her chance of having a miscarriage is pretty high bc she's flying to dangerous areas now and the stress or if she gets heavily injured dadadada what if she gets discharged??? I have so many questions honestly😭

And with her love gone in a shitty Stalag how will she cope??? THEIR DREAMS LITERALLY COLLAPSED

And omg the fact that Bucky's demeanour changes so much after his TWO YEARS in that shit hole, like will they talk about that??? WILL THEY MARRY??

WILL HE PROPOSE????????????

WHAT ABOUT DOROTHY WILL SHE KNOW THEIR PLANS??? omg.

You wouldn't...kill off Dorothy...would you???

WOULD YOU????????

My god- lets say Buck and Frank got along so well and Bucky tells Buck that they want children and he would be kinda proud bc his best friend went from global manwhore to sickeningly in love an committed husband

I can so see him walking up to Frank and asking

"What did you do to him?"

No bc the suspense the wait all of it will kill me. IF THE SMOKING WONT THIS WILL😭😭

This why my parents hate me; the slightest thing and I come up with ten thousand questions istg

By the time Frank and Bucky have that conversation in London, SO MUCH will have happened, and I think there's part of her that just wants to make something wonderful with him. Something that's theirs, and that's safe, and that's from love. She's not ready to get married again yet, and he knows it, but the way she feels when he brings it up just makes her jump all in with the idea. Backwards to what she did the first time, really.

I don't think she thinks of the miscarriage initially, that'll come in the days and weeks after. She's stronger with Bucky, uses him as a crutch a little, and so when he's gone she'll have to stand on her own and fight her own demons.

I could totally see Buck just needing to know what she did to him, hahahahaha. Writing Frank and Buck's reunion was the best and worst thing I've written, because she's like "Is he here?" and Buck has to tell her he didn't make it out with him.

[svnflower-writes]

i wanna find out

part one. ao3 | series masterlist

description: james is confused, but no less confused as he was when he was a high school student and denying his infatuation with his best friend's brother. now, regulus is a regular at the cafe he works in, and james doesn't know what to do.

warnings: none it's fluffy james is so cute

note: (reblog and comment please please please i need the validation) HI HELLO I AM BACK OKAY SO i heard the new gracie song and i went insane bc its so jegulus and wrote this in one hour in english class and its unedited. anyway this is a series, the masterlist is linked at the top. this chapter has been on ao3 since yesterday but i didn't get around to posting it here. lowkey think this is terrible but oh wellll

taglist: (i included the people on my marauders taglist so lmk if you don't wanna be on this one) @thestarslittleking @chaserofstars11 @gu1lty-as-sin @dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies @a-beautiful-fool @optimizedchaos @star-ch4ser @qwerty-keysmash @lost-in-reveriie @tulips-best @nqds

Upon his first week at high school, James Potter had come to the conclusion that he would end up with Lily Evans if it was the last thing he did. She was exactly the kind of girl he liked, she was pretty and opinionated and she seemed like the sweetest person he’d ever met. Remus had chuckled at his lovesick pining, not having the heart to tell the messy haired boy that your crush when you’re eleven years old is never your soulmate.

He pined after Lily for two years, with no clear progression other than Lily awkwardly smiling at him each time they passed in the hallways. Safe to say, James’ feelings were not reciprocated, and Marelne had grown a habit of snickering at the way his eyes followed her down the hall.

A few students at school had thought he was overdoing it slightly, but he really wasn’t. He wasn’t overly pushy, and he had only asked her out once or twice. He was clear about his feelings, but wasn't going to make her uncomfortable. James Potter was a gentleman in the truest sense of the word, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel an undeniable feeling of heartache when she walked past and ignored his presence.

Now, however, James was in university. He was as over Lily as he had ever been, and he had escaped the inherent unpleasantries that come with being a teen going through the heartache of growing up. He felt undeniably free, and not to mention his psychology course was helping him understand himself better than ever. He was happier than ever, saying otherwise would be a blatant understatement. He was living in a flat with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, which had been his dream since primary school.

Lily was now one of his closest friends, and she worked at the flower shop that had a door into the coffee shop James worked in. Lily’s law degree and James’ psychology one made them a perfect pair, and much to Remus’ surprise, the two studied together regularly. The fact that James’ attention span and motivation had changed since high school was something no one had expected, and although he still struggled, he had his tactics to get back on track.

Some things never change, though, and James still hated quiet, slow paced days more than death itself. He could deal with stressful, busy days, but the mundane was his greatest oppressor, the repetitiveness of a quiet day driving him to the edge of his sanity. Today happened to be one of those days, he sat behind the counter at the small coffee shop he worked in as customers filtered in once every half an hour.

He sat, watching the slow ticking of the clock as the time went by as slow as it possibly could. It was 12:38pm, and 12:20 felt like hours ago. Blankly staring at the wall, the coffee he’d made himself had been discarded on the counter next to him and he didn’t bother picking it up, knowing that after half an hour of it sitting there, it would surely be cold. Each time someone walked past the door of the shop, James perked up—only to sigh as they walked past without a second thought. James’ tendency to romanticise everything that life had to offer often left him disappointed.

Finally, he heard the bell signalling that someone had opened the door sound, and his head snapped up in relief. ‘ My saviour, love of my life, thank god you’re here.’ his brain sung as he sprung up from his seated position, standing at the counter within seconds of the boy walking into the shop. His signature smile appeared on his face, “hi, how’s your day going?”

The boy seemed to falter, as if his carefully planned interaction of simply ordering what he wanted and leaving had been disrupted by a simple question. His dull blue eyes widened, and his lips fell open in a dumbfounded expression before he picked himself up and showed James a tight lipped smile. “Uh, I’m good.”

James noticed that this small interaction had absolutely foiled his carefully planned coffee order, and the boy had entirely forgotten to say what he wanted. James smiled softly, chuckling in his head. He always thought it was interesting how common these interactions seemed to be when you worked in a coffee shop. The psychology major in him couldn’t help but psychoanalyse these interactions, which made working in hospitality both intriguing and perplexing. He found that you could get a pretty good idea of someone’s mindset and what their day to day life is like by doing this, and it almost acted as revision for his upcoming exam.

“What can I get you today?”

Embarrassment flushed over the dark haired boy’s face, and he automatically sent another tight lipped smile to try and compensate for his forgetfulness. A strand of his soft black curls fell over his eyes, and James could tell just by his body language and the look in his eyes that it annoyed him to no end. “A black coffee, please.”

That was fitting, James thought. With the tidy (almost obnoxiously so) outfit and the carefully styled short black hair, a black coffee was the only thing that really made sense for him.

“And can I have a name for that?”

Stupid boy, you know his name.

“Regulus.”

James knew how to spell it.

He knew how to spell it and he hated that. Regulus was his best friend’s brother, and things between Sirius and his younger brother were rough. They got along until they didn’t. Sirius had spent more evenings than James could count frantically ranting about him on evenings at James’ house after school. When Sirius had left for high school, Regulus had distanced himself from Sirius more than he ever had before. Regulus had always been detatched, and James knew this from Sirius’ extensive complaints.

James he knew he shouldn’t have been so enamoured with Regulus in his high school years as he was, but when James fell for someone he fell for them. He fell for them intensly and irreversably and everyone he had ever loved lived in his heart for eternity. It may seem like James was feeling too insensely, but for him to not love so deeply and fully would mean he was not James Potter. He could not be in any sort of relationship without loving them to the end of the earth. His mother had always told him to cherish this, that his way of loving was incredibly pure and a love that many people would give anything to be the recipient of. But based off his past relationships, his love was not something to be cherished.

“Alright, I’ll have that ready for you soon.”

While he was making the coffee, James allowed himself to watch Regulus, noticing the way his hair was slightly more inclined to falling to the right side of his forehead, the way his greyish-blue eyes fixed on one spot of the wall and didn’t seem to move. He watched as his hands anxiously clasped together in his lap and his foot tapped.

James was a master of the art of noticing, and he tended to read into what people did, more so than was probably helpful. But James had always been observant, even as a toddler he had had an integral interest in people. He understood when people said that the human race was done for, but he was compelled to disagree. He had a sense of optimism that many thought was overbearing, but in the same way, James sometimes found their pessimism slightly disheartening.

Regulus intrigued him, although the boy was made of very few words and made him fiddle with his hands behind the counter and cause his eyes to flutter around the room to look anywhere other than his eyes. Regulus was pretty. He was the definition of pretty, with his wavy black hair and his grey eyes that shone with something James couldn’t quite place. James felt an intense urge to sink into the ground and never reappear. Unsure of what this was, he played it off as simply nervousness around someone new—not that it was common for James to ever feel nervous around new people. Regulus had this aura about him, one that James couldn’t figure out. It was undeniable that Regulus made James shy, but James would deny the reason for this nervousness for as long as he possibly could—and longer. This was merely a customer that would show up to the coffee shop once and never again—after all, he hadn’t seen Regulus in the shop at all earlier in the year.

For a reason James couldn’t quite place, there was a hint of awkwardness between him and Regulus. They respected each other, sure, but when they were alone, without Sirius or Remus, James felt an intense urge to sink into the ground and never reappear. He played it off as simply nervousness around someone new—not that it was common for James to ever feel nervous around new people. Regulus had this aura about him, one that James couldn’t quite place. It was undeniable that Regulus made James nervous, but James would deny the reason for this nervousness for as long as he possibly could—and longer. Regulus didn’t speak much, and James tried but failed to match this. The silence felt awkward, and he couldn’t go for long sitting in silence with him until he overshared, making the situation more awkward than it had been beforehand.

“Long black for Regulus?”

He says his name, although there is no one else in the shop to mistake the coffee as their own. But James likes the way his name sounds on his lips, as horrifically cheesy as that may sound.

Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it. He’s off-limits and you know that.

Looking up, Regulus looked up and flashed a small, awkward smile, walking to the counter and reaching for the coffee. As his fingers wrapped around the cup, they brushed James’ fingers, and his grey eyes flickered up to meet James’ deep brown ones. “Thank you,” he looked away quickly and was out of the shop before James could even respond.

Okay, James thought, okay, this is okay. He just has to make it out of the shop and then I’ll never see him again.

But then Regulus stops halfway out of the door, sending James a wonky smile and a soft “I’ll see you around.” His eyes are twinkling with something unrecognisable, and once he leaves James allows himself to breathe and forces the dorky smile off his face as he swears under his breath.

Stupid, stupid boy.

[literallyjusttoa]

Very interested in the story of concussion Apollo's dad gave him

👀

-@ukelele-boy

Yes yessss let me explain! I think I’ve covered this incident before but I’ve changed it a lil bit so here we go!

Apollo had spent years being his father’s “golden child”. He had  perfect grades, joined every honor’s society, was top of all them sports teams, all that jazz. Any failure, or even just Apollo expressing that he was tired and burnt out, led to passive aggressive (or just straight up aggressive) attacks from his father. Apollo had to be perfect, and he had to be happy about it too. All of this was extremely damaging to Apollo’s psyche, but he pushed through his rapidly worsening mental state and any injuries his father gave him, bc he reasoned that he was just putting on a happy face to help keep the family together, or keep his father calm so that he didn’t lash out at any of the other siblings. 

Everything kept building up until Apollo graduates high school. Apollo really, really, didn’t want to go to law school, which his father was pushing onto him. Instead, he applied to a nearby med school, hoping that the prestige of such a job would pacify Zeus. Instead, Zeus became enraged that Apollo went behind his back about this, and the two of them got into an incredibly violent row. For the first time, the rest of the family got a view of how Zeus treated Apollo behind closed doors, and the fighting escalated until Zeus ended up pushing the stairs of their home, giving him a severe concussion alongside several other more minor injuries (two fractures, and a lot of bruises) Honestly, if Apollo was in peak condition he might not have gotten so hurt, but the stress of this entire situation had made him skip meals and lose sleep, so he wasn’t able to catch himself in any way. The whole thing got Apollo hospitalized. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for Apollo, and when he woke up in the hospital, he told the nurses he didn’t want any visitors, and began the difficult process of cutting off the rest of his family.

As I said in the last post about this, Apollo now suffers from fits of insomnia and narcolepsy, migraines, and vertigo, but he also suffers from a lot of short term memory loss, which is really kicking his ass when it comes to med school. ALSO, like I said before, Apollo doesn’t actually want to go to med school. He just feels like 1) he’s already started, so he has to see it through, and 2) he’s still a bit caught up in the ideal of perfection that’s been pushed on him his whole life. It’s only through seeing his own past reflected in Jason, and fearing that he’ll get hurt in the same way, that Apollo is truly able to self-reflect and see how much he’s still living in a very self-destructive way. 

[teddypickerry]

here me out! how about like a reader x tommy (the real one, not megan fox’s rat looking bf), but like reader is butterflies and rainbows, and like the band will not stop mocking how soft tommy is for reader. like ofc take your time.

𝐃𝐎𝐍’𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐄 !

pairings! tommy lee x soft reader <3

word count! 1.9k

warnings! cursing, mentions of sex, it’s a fucking mötley crüe fic babe what do you expect?

a/n! okay i had to write this like five fucking seconds after i got it bc 1) calling mgk megan’s rat looking bf made me fall in love w you 2) THIS REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY BEST FRIEND AND HER LOVE FOR TOMMY. so i used her favvvvorite photo of t-bone and am dedicating this to her <3 muah. the tommy to my nikki. ALSO THIS IS UNEDITED SO IF IT SUCKS THEN FUCK YOU ;)

tommy lee bass was never good with girlfriends. with the mötley timeline, he had bullwinkle and honey. and if you know anything about either of them... you know he doesn't have the best track record. he was with both of them for all the wrong reasons. bullwinkle came like a track star which purely excited him. and honey had the body of a pornstar. but their relationship had its ups and downs... a butter knife in his back, an engagement, her cheating with his best friend, and ending with him slapping her. so... maybe he wasn't the best with relationships.

tommy loved for all the wrong reasons. it wasn't because of the rockstar persona or the fortune or the fame. it was simply how tommy was made and how he existed. he opened himself up to love and he loved so fucking hard with all of the t-bone's in his body. tommy's a lover, he's a romantic — even if it's in a fucked up way. so when he found y/n, a girl who set his world ablaze. the moment he saw her, he didn't just look at her boobs. he noticed the two braids in her hair. he noticed the shimmer eyeshadow that just made her eyes glimmer. she was beautiful and not just for her body or for specific talents. she was beautiful for her outlook on life that tommy learned to love, one quite positive formed with a smile.

it'd been two months since tommy'd met his new and improved lover girl. he'd not once had the urge to cheat on the girl or even have the thought. he was indulged with her choice of books over parties or her excessive bright wardrobe. she was unconditionally herself. and he was fucking head over heels for that. y/n had yet to meet the band, despite the long relationship (in tommy's book). it was safe to say she was stressing about it. they were a bunch of dickwads according to all the magazines and tommy. but he loved them and they were his best fucking friends.

so she tugged on her pink sweater that tucked into her jeans. her white tennis shoes pacing back and forth while she waited for tommy in the foyer of his new apartment. decked floor to ceiling in animal prints of all sorts and records hes never bothered to play. she was anxious and it showed. it was a lot meeting her boyfriend's best friends who were also his band mates. he spoke about them with the goofiest grin and had the dumbest stories. just yesterday he'd told her about last year when he and nikki were so high they jumped on a train and then had to jump off a mile or so later. resulting in a very long walk back to the hotel.

his band wasn't just his band mates they were practically family and we've all heard the girlfriend meeting the family horror stories. the sound of his mismatched red and black converse hitting the floor was unheard as y/n messed with her hair in the mirror next to the door. tommy swung the keys to his new ferrari on his finger as he watched her for a moment. before bursting into a brief smile. "dude, you look fucking great. stop worrying."

"babe, stop 'dude'ing me." y/n giggled as she turned to him with her smile that made her dimples pop. he pressed his lips together as he made his way past her, brushing her head with a kiss as he opened the door with one hand. it wasn't long before the couple was out the door and in the seats of the ferrari.

the car ride was short to vince's place. the singer was throwing a little day party — hardly a party, rather a band meeting, but anything with mötley turned into a party. the little party was also a reason for the boys to meet y/n which they all looked forward to. it was rare any of them were not so focused on themselves to care about the other's love life. but this time was different, or at least so it seemed to them. tommy had a new "love of his life" every week. you could say it was the same ol' situation.  but they - specifically mick, had a feeling about this one. one that was solidified the moment the couple made their way to the front door.

hands intertwined between the rockstar and the angel as they approached the entry way. tommy glanced down at his girlfriend with a smile when he noticed the look on her face. the one she had just a few weeks ago when she was preparing for an interview at a bookstore she's been eyeing for awhile. y/n aced the interview and she would ace this. "don't be so nervous, you're too pretty for that." the drummer winked making his girlfriend give him a look. "will you shut up, please?"

"i agree with the chick," a voice sounded from the doorway making the young couple turn their heads. stood in all his glory was the singer himself, vince neil. he had a bandana tied around his neck which covered his slightly sunburn chest. he was in leather pants despite the mere 80s of LA. "dude, we didn't even knock."

"yeah but i saw a pretty girl out my window so y'know." vince shrugged it off with a smirk at the girl. tommy furrowed his eyebrows as he held up the two intertwined hands. "yeah, we'll, she's taken."

"ne'vah stupd anee id us befu." a voice mumbled as another rocker made his way to the doorway. one presumably known as nikki sixx. a toothbrush was in his mouth, white toothpaste spilling out the corners. the couple gave the man confused glances as he rolled his eyes and spat in the grass. "never stopped any of us before — hi, darling, i'm nikki." he put his hand forward with the cock of his eyebrow. y/n shook his hand and smiled, "i'm y/n. it's nice to meet you guys."

"the infamous y/n," vince purred as he glanced back at tommy as if complimenting his 'women' skills. "yeah well don't get any fucking ideas — im talking to you, fiancée fucker!" tommy announced towards the bassist who simply raised his hands in defense before passing out on the couch next to mick mars. vince stepped aside as the couple entered. tommy refused to let go of his girlfriend which the band was quick to notice. "y/n/n, this is the guys i guess. nikki — y'know, vince, and this old tombstone is mick."

"hi," the two greeted to another simultaneously. tommy sat on the couch with y/n following, her thigh pressed against his as she sat anxiously. she'd yet to see drugs or naked women like she'd anticipated. so far just dudes in a room with a far too expensive sound system. the silence was echoing in the large LA home. nikki stretched out as he watched y/n with daring eyes, tommy not even wanting to know what was trapped in this thoughts. mick too was watching the girl but rather in confusion. she seemed normal, so why was she with the dumbest motherfucker he knew? vince sat down last, a glass of something in his hand as he sat at the edge of the couch. he eyed tommy who was mouthing something at him.

"so y/n," mick started as he blinked behind his sunglasses. "why this one?" the guitarist asked with such simplicity that made nikki burst into a deep laughter, resulting in a glare from tommy. "will you guys shut the fuck up for once?" he shrugged when he glanced back at the toothbrush nikki had on his chest. "wait- why are you brushing your teeth at like four?"

"went down on this girl, she was on her period, man." nikki shrugged as if it was the most normal thing ever. no one seemed phased minus y/n, who genuinly had never heard someone shrug something that criminal off that way. it wasn't long before the questions got dumber and dumber — which seemed impossible with the ones they asked, but they did. and y/n lasted no more than ten minutes with the band before she ventured off into the kitchen where the other girls were sat around. all arguing over who was better in bed — mötley boys or guns and roses boys. she drowned out the conversation after a short blonde asked her how many rockstars she'd slept with. when she answered with one, they went ballistic.

"slash is too full of himself, tommy knows what he's doing." one of the girls giggled before taking a bite of a pretzel and spitting it out as if she'd die. "tommy's great," another one added, a redhead. a few giggled as one of them uncomfortably sat there with a fucked up smile. "guys, tommy's dating this one." y/n froze as she sipped on her water. they all looked at her and giggled as if it were impossible, because tommy would never settle in their eyes. he's tommy lee.

"excuse me," she mumbled as she stood up and made her way out of the kitchen, nearly falling into the arms of her boyfriend in the process. he stood in the hallway with an empty glass on his way for a refill. he placed it on vince's table when he noticed his girlfriend's face. "what's going on?"

"tommy you've fucked like every girl in that room." she mustered up, her smile gone. it was a rare sight to see her without her big and beautiful grin. the world was sunshine and rainbows in her eyes but it was like thunder in a rainstorm right now. "they're all talking about if you or slash are better in bed. it's just... look i know you have a past and you're done with all the sleeping around now. but, i just couldn't listen to it anymore. they laughed when one of them said i was your girl. like it was insane."

the drummer's face softened as he placed his finger under her chin, lifting it up to be directly in his eyesight. "those groupies are wild, y/n. they'll fuck anyone to tour with us so they think they know all. but no one knows how i feel 'bout you, because i'm fucking wild for you baby." he pressed his lips against hers as her eyes shut on demand. his kiss was soft and genuine and he threw in a little tongue — the tommy way of course. it wasn't long before she pulled away, not wanting to have a full on makeout session in his friend's house. her smile was back on an instant as she glanced up at the man with her pink lips. tommy mirrored the expression as he wrapped his arms around her. "baby, let go. i'm gonna go to the bathroom."

"'m 'kay. don't leave me for too long," he blew her a kiss as she walked off into the bathroom and shut the door. the moment he heard voices he cursed to himself. "oh baby, i'd never leave you for too long." vince mimicked in a sexy voice as nikki threw a heart with his fingers and shot it at his best friend. mick pursed his lips and blew a kiss at the drummer. "oh, baby."

"you're fucking dead." the drummer groaned before chasing the three men out of the house, like fucking mötley crüe man.

[foxfirexo]

my minecraft base on a server with a couple ppl; i am very proud of how it is turning out, the vibes are cozy and it has very organically expanded over time :3

tiny bit of story feel free to ignore and just scroll past but i feel like oversharing so fuck u (kindly <3)

ive always been pretty creative even if i spent the last decade or so telling myself i wasnt. when i was little it was lego, when i got older it was minecraft (among other things)

but being an audhd transgirl growing up in a very conservative southern baptist household (and as a PK and MK at that ;-;) and whose very existence was just fundamentally at odds with the teachings i was raised, i felt a lot of lot of pressure to suppress any self expression or identity i might have and with that went a lot of my creativity

after all, how am i supposed to be creative without expressing myself? and if ive numbed all the thoughts that i want to share bc they get me in trouble w my parents, what am i supposed to put into my art?

also being told your whole childhood that you're a guy and receiving all that lovely generational societal trauma of male gender roles and expectations really crushed the pointless wonderful meanderings of my mind. god i cringe a bit now(w compassion<3) but i used to brag about how obsessed i was with productivity, efficiency, logic, order but in hindsight i think it was 98% just feeling like i had to be a high achieving eventually bread winning "guy"

anyway as such ive had a very on again off again relationship w minecraft. it was a coping mechanism when i was young so ive put probably a good 5k+ hours into it but it became increasingly difficult to enjoy as i got older and ive gone years at a time never touching the damn game

its funny bc you could probably chart my whole healing journey and my ups and downs of my mental health by just measuring # of hrs spent in mc per month

but very recently ive been finally reaching a point (thank u therapist) that i am allowing myself the joy of self expression, that i am accepting and loving myself without the judgement of my youth holding me back, that i no longer feel like i have to hide myself away for fear of being crushed again because i have the self love to stand on my own two feet no matter what anybody else thinks

as silly as this probably sounds, joining tumblr just over a week ago has actually played a part in this too. ill probably ramble more ab that some other time whenever i feel like oversharing again but suffice it to say that this environment is incredible and everyone on this platform has made me feel so so so comfortable in my own skin being myself sharing my thoughts and feelings and just existing :3

and ya its a bit goofy but im actually seeing this milestone in how im playing minecraft. not only am i playing again (pretty regularly, too!) but im... just fucking around. no plan, no goal, if i have an idea pop into my head i just go out and do it but im equally content to just strip mine, chop trees, tend to my farms, whatever sounds good in the moment.....

and im building again too!!! no worrying about doing it "right", no stressing about wasting time bc i didnt count something right and now i have to move that wall or i changed my mind and now i have to redo all my flooring... just chipping away at it, trying out new blocks or decor ideas, enjoying it more for the process than the finished product and never needing anything to truly be finished

so ya :3 i havent felt this amazing playing minecraft since probably 2014/15 and im super proud of myself for getting to this point, its been a long journey and im by no means done but silly little things like this give me so so so sooo much hope and encouragement ^^

k thats all if u actually read all that im sorry or ur welcome lol

[trevination]

please expand upon micah after charlie leaves for college?????😊

AHHHHHHHH i definitely Will expand on it 😊😊😊 tee hee

goddd it’s so painful bc like. it’s so hard on both of them. for charlie, he’s gonna be a teacher so like obviously he has to go to school for that (also he wants to get outta tulsa bc god he hates tulsa. like. so much. that place woulda killed him if he didn’t have micah) and micah just. something in micah resents him for that. and he feels so so awful and guilty and horrible but he can’t help that bitterness that eats him up. because micah never got that chance. micah never even had a chance of graduating highschool, getting to college, getting outta tulsa. that was never in the cards for him.

micah’s mom got sick right after she had rosie, so when micah was like 10. his dad non-stop was working multiple jobs and micah soon got a job too and took care of his little siblings. like he’s basically raised rosie. he drops outta high school either sophomore or junior year to get a full time job and work part time on the side. like. he’s worked so hard to keep his family afloat. when his mom dies right before he turns 17, it’s like his dad disappears. paychecks are still coming in but he’s never ever home. (i will expand more on his family later if wanted because HOLY FUCKING SSHIT.)

but micah never got to do what charlie is doing. he never got to be in extracurriculars he enjoyed, finish high school, have his graduation party, get outta tulsa. and he’s just so. bitter. and aches. and god he misses charlie so much. he throws himself even further into work and he gets home from 16 hour days to hear from his siblings “charlie called again but you weren’t home so we talked to him!” like they barely were able to talk to each other. it was miserable. and rosie was constantly bringing up charlie and all micah had was his bitterness and his guilt and. well micah is famously known for sucking at emotions and communication, so it’s never once addressed. micah and charlie have never been apart for longer than like. 5 days up til this point so yeah.

charlie becomes a reminder of how far away they are, how left behind micah is, how he fell right into what tulsa expected of him. who cares if micah was interested in science and space and astronomy? he’d never get to see where that life led him. he tries to pretend it doesn’t bother him. but it does. and charlie was able to pursue something he wanted, while micah’s just. left there

and charlie. god he feels so alone. the past two years, he had micah, micah’s siblings, his whole gang (I NEED TO TALK ABIUT ALL THEIR FRIENDS OMG) but now in university they aren’t there. he tries to call micah and sure, he loves talking to rosie or the twins, but he misses his boyfriend so so much. so much. micah and charlie just Get each other. they know each other inside out, can read each other perfectly. charlie misses that, he misses him. and charlie’s working a job too to be able to pay for college on top of his scholarship + micah helping, so he’s also busy and stressed and. it sucks for everyone

then, charlie finally comes home for thanksgiving break and. it’s awkward. it’s stilted. micah is short with his sentences and is snappy and charlie’s so confused and he’s growing frustrated because it doesn’t feel good or nice. and thanksgiving dinner is bearable because micah’s siblings are there. but then. they go to bed and charlie confronts micah, asking what’s wrong, what he can do to help. and it’s so charlie, so genuine and wanting to help and kind and micah can barely stand it

and then. it all blows up :) oh god i’ve just now realized how much i’ve yapped. so sorry. asked about my ocs and i can’t stfu

also micah the whole time charlie is gone is verrryyy “my girl” by stella bridie ^_^

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2024, #6: Dai Gyakuten Saiban 2/The Great Ace Attorney Resolve

Completed: April 21st, 2024 (/i still have to watch the DLC episodes that didn't get released with the official loc, I guess but I'm not playing it any more so ?? lol)

Time spent: 49.5 hours (will be like 50.5 after the DLC stuff)

Rating: 9/10 (more objectively. but a very biased 9.5 in my heart.)

ohhhhh my god alright where do i even start with this. i guess i also have to talk about dgs1 a little bit in this review/mini completion log but I will TRY and keep it to just 2. [editor's note: somehow succeeded with this! lfg]

first, to get the non-spoiler parts of this out of the way:

please for the love of god play this fucking game if you've played the original AA trilogy but not the DGS duology. i can not stress this enough. i would not recommend playing them as your FIRST aa games because a) they will set your bar way too high (and too low simultaneously bc wow dgs1 still has whack as hell pacing) b) there are a few details, especially in this particular game, that will evoke no reaction in you if you haven't played at least the main three games but WILL cause you to start gnawing on drywood if you have Knowledge Of The Future

the whole dgs duology - and specifically as a duology, bc 2 makes no sense without 1 but 1 by itself is not on this level - is absolutely in my top 3/4 AA games now. i admittedly have not replayed the original trilogy in quite a while, buuuuuut T&T/AAI2/DGS1+2 are my new top 3. not necessarily in that order, give me a bit to think about it lol.

im going to be thinking about this game for the rest of my life probably. i can see why my best friend wanted me to play it for uh. seven years. because yeah it really is that good.

i want to cosplay four different designs from it. i have not wanted to cosplay anything new (to me) since neo twewy came out three years ago. take that as you will.

music still slaps. obviously. my favorite new song is absolutely partners (IYKYK) but agh. the new theme(s) that characters get are all so fucking good. clenches fist. the leitmotifs

definitely becomes relevant in retrospect in a few places where capcom obviously cut the hell out of the budget but they saved it for where it matters so i dont care. im also uh. very used to low budget VNs so frankly even 3D models are better than I'm used to LMFAO. i also you know. didn't realize that they did that until after the fact. so. they hid it well

if you havent played this go and play it (after playing the original AA trilogy). please for the love of god im on my hands and knees.

everything below the cut (i.e. below this point) has blatant unfiltered spoilers. you have been warned.

okay so welcome you've presumably played all of dgs2 if you're reading this. i have THOUGHTS. a lot of these will come off as critical/negative but i need to strongly emphasize that these are the only reasons that this game is not a 10/10 for me and otherwise i'm in love with it. it is fucking CLOSE. i am not talking a lot about the things i really love because that is.............................a lot of the game for me and we'd be here all day. the critiques are much more limited in number. but. you know.

dgs2 absolutely has much, Much better pacing than dgs1 does overall. it does not take 3 cases to get past a bunch of tutorial cases. this is a good thing. however..............the first two cases are still very slow. i won't call them pure filler, because a) reminding us about yuujin was a very good idea, b) they contribute to the Themes of the game. and im glad hosonaga was there again and (of all of the side characters we could have had) seeing souseki was good. i like them. but they really didn't need to be there to fulfill the themes of the game. case 2 in particular feels like a filler case, which I do not love given how tight the rest of the plot feels. if anything i feel like they should have done an interim flashback case without susato, as much as I adore susato, because as-is it's canon that ryuu had 3 cases in the span of a week. which feels INSANE

speaking of better pacing: im so glad dgs2 remembered that AA games can take investigation breaks between courtroom shit because running through ALL of the trial after ALL of the investigation in 1-5 was. let's say. taxing. the 'finding their footing' aspect of the first game

i do kind of wish we got One more case with the masked apprentice where susato wasn't there at all for the entire case. if only because then the delay between ryuu Thinking It and susato Knowing it would be even more painful. but i do really appreciate that they don't try to make it a woah big reveal as much as a painful "i know who you are but you don't." really adds a certain je nai se quois or however the fuck you spell that. idr. its 1 am when im typing this

also hey asougi can we fucking unpack how susato (the girl you were raised with to some extent, probably not like your sister but your weird younger cousin) called your name and you didn't remember who you were but you DID remember when you saw a wax reconstruction of your dead dad. can we fucking talk about that for a minute. can w

speaking of asougi. my god. they did such a good job with him. i think i wouldn't have cared nearly as much about him if all we had was the dgs1 stuff but his extreme motivation for the truth almost turning him into a violent attack dog is. aaaaaaaaaah. god. and the parallels between him and his father's followers (read: the von karmas) that one has from playing the mainline AA games. truly brainworm material

speaking of this: i can absolutely tell they did NOT think about writing the professor stuff with this game until they added in the masked apprentice - before he got turned into asougi - even though the reaper was obviously something that was planned. i do not care personally about this, because game dev is weird as hell and it REALLY works with asougi and van zieks' character arcs. in the same way that i don't think [SPOILER CHARACTER] from vlr would have been as good without the knowledge of 999, i think if barok had been foiled against a new character it wouldn't have worked as well. all that said. it sure is obvious they didn't know what they were doing. this makes me even more impressed that that they got it to work at all

the same is true of everything with the hound of the baskervilles but im really glad that they took it in the direction that they did.

also man it is so obvious that they probably wanted to have this be a proper trilogy like the original trilogy but then budget happened. because 2-3 through 2-5 all slap but they feel so fucking weird next to 2-1 and 2-2. like i dont feel that theres anything missing per se but a little more time for character growth would have been nice. hell even adding in an extra case (and/or editing 2-2....)

the only writing thing, aside from. 2-2 being like that. and the other weird pacing issues..that extensively is off to me is the whole assassin trading plot. i do think it is Very stupid and that they clearly wrote themselves into a corner with 1-5 on how to deal with it because they just...proceed to not deal with it until 2-4 and 2-5. however. even with that said. i actually kind of like that it is so stupid. because stronghart definitely feels SO obsessed with his version of justice that he wouldn't think through the potential downsides of having two free-roaming assassins running around and maybe coming to get his ass. obvious flaw that would not occur to him because of his insane ass behavior

its still dumb. but it's ace attorney dumb. so i can excuse it a little bit

stronghart being a damon gant expy was funny but goddamnit was it predictable. making him be so obssessed with justice that he talks to ryuu about it for 4 hours was funny as hell though and absolutely adds to him as a character. still dont like him that much Personally but hes definitely a character

his breakdown was peak. by the way. top 3 breakdowns in the series

jigoku being like that kills me. also. the way he just let genshin

g. genshin impact (sorry)

i dont care that sherlock's bullshit was a deus ex machina bc honestly.....electricity was real at that point. its fine

also. holy shit i love ryuunosuke in this game even more. 'i'm not doing this for you, kazuma. i'm doing it for the truth.' BANGER!!!!!!!!!!!! his growth across these two games is really good but especially in this one he shines so brightly

however..........this game made the glaring lack of ryuu's parents even more obvious. its not like i Need it or anything but considering how he very literally refers to yuujin/susato/sherlock/iris as his family in 2-4.....where are your parents!!!! what was your childhood like!!!!!! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT I WISH COULD BE ANSWERED!!!!!!!!!

and asougi. i could write an essay on asougi alone i think. but i adore how both he and ryuu are like 'you've changed' at each other and neither of them are wrong but then by the end they're like 'wow you're the same as before.' theyre so fucking gay. anyway

and sherlock (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DO YOU LIE FOR FUN LIKE THIS????????)

and yuujin (partners ~ game is afoot starts playing and i start crying). obsessed with how they only had to write the dynamic for a single case and you can believe all of it because they can just go. lol. ACD canon. anyway

and susato

and, most surprisingly of all for me.....fucking barok van zieks. i would not call myself a Fan of him in the way i am a Fan of asougi and ryuu, but i am obsessed with him. he did so many things wrong but realizes he genuinely fucked up and wants to atone for it. he gets genuinely upset in prison when he can't join the red-headed league. he's a professional alcoholic. he has bats in his office (???). what is wrong with him. (i know the answer is 'literally everything that could be wrong with a person.' but still

i love every single character in this game (or i hate them but because they were written to be hated)??? how did they manage this again. dgs1 helps so much here because the character growth.

argh. the character parallels with everyone realizing their parent / mentor figure was fucked up and/or hiding shit from them in some way. thinking emoji rotating in a circle goes here

wow that magically became way less critical as i was writing it. i thought it was going to be a lot stronger of a critique. its still weird pacing stuff basically that bothers me but i have very minor complaints that im forgetting aside from this

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH HI GUYS IM BRAIN ROTTING NOW FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this has had almost the same brain impact on me (as evidenced by the 1 million words about it) as raging loop i think and thats never a good sign since i still think about raging loop at least once a week despite the fact that i played it 3 goddamn years ago

[tallulah477]

loving how fleshed out this royalty au is getting KFNFNFDN and see i cant be descriptive like u my brain cant do all that LMFAO i love ur writing style for this and overall

but oml i imagine their first time would be after a heated argument its midnight everyone but the guards and a few employees are asleep and here loak and princess!reader are having a huge argument (basically a lot of confessing of how they both didnt want this marriage to be a thing stuff like that) and theres a quick pause between them bc theyre catching their breaths from arguing sm and they just start full on making out though princess!reader is super inexperienced and os trying to keep up with loak whose had a few one night stands here and there

loak telling her how pretty she looks pissed off at him (and everyone), how no one would put up with her attitude (not even neteyam) but him bc he finds it hot lw — meanwhile her brain is malfunctioning bc hes touching her everywhere and its getting her all hot

and when they do start fucking? as much as i would like for him to be put in her place for being a brat i 100% believe he would be super soft (yet still dominate) their first time, loak who already has had a few ons and is usually just there to fuck and dip actually takes his time with his future wife

eating her out, fingering her trying to stretch her out to fit him while his other hand was on her stomache to pin her down and shes covering her mouth so they wont get caught

and when he puts it in he goes slow, watching her reaction, kissing her temple, cheeks, eyelids anywhere saying shes taking him so well, how she was made for him, how he cant wait to have more nights like this with her - lots of praises which she cant handle bc shes not use too it and shes getting all flustered as shes getting fucked lol her nails digging into his forearms or going down his back - her eyes rolling to the back if her head bc he feels so good and so full

and loak making out with her so she wont moan too loud (he doesnt really care if they caught but she knows her reputation within high society is kind of bad so anything to avoid a scandal for his future wife <333)

— 🤍

The way this past week has kept me so busy and all I could think about was your asks 😩 😩 😩

Me too, babes! I’m living for this AU lmao. Idk though, you seem like you’re doing a great job at being descriptive 👀 but I’m glad that you’re liking my input. I think we make a good team!

Everyone knows you’re the mastermind behind this AU though, I’m just here for the ride lol 🧡

Catch up on the story:

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

Extra: One | Two

CW:// Smut

Their emotions are so high!

This has been a long time coming - it's been nearly a year of back and forth. Nearly a year of glaring, of snide comments and sneering remarks as they're forced together 'for the good of the kingdom'. Nearly a year of heated arguments and even more heated glances that catch on the a long column of throat or the swell of a breast.

It's getting close to that time when Jake and Neytiri are set to step down from the throne. Both Lo'ak and Princess are old enough to take their place. Princess has been trained her whole life for this, she's ready - knows the ins and outs of royal life and how to handle foreign dignitaries and council issues without even having to bat her perfectly curled eyelashes. Lo'ak, on the other hand . . . well, he's good enough. He still learning; it will take YEARS for him to fully learn everything that Neteyam had been taught to do and handle since the moment he was born. But he's getting there - he's much smarter and more capable than his parents or Princess ever give him credit for.

But it's still intense. Nerves are getting the better of them, their anxiety is through the roof. The stress that they're going to fuck up somehow is making them worried and frustrated and they're snapping at each other even more than usual. If Lo'ak messes up, it's going to be proof to him and his parents (and the entire kingdom) that he will never be as good as his brother, and he hates that he can't even go one day without being compared to Neteyam. If Princess messes up, her life is over. Lo'ak would be upset if he messed up, but he would be okay. But she's a woman, and worse - she's a woman trying to maintain a position of power. She already has people rooting for her to fail. If this goes south for her, just one mess up, and she's done.

So they're both not feeling their best when they return to their rooms after their official engagement ball. They were paraded around, told to be quiet, to stick to the speeches written for them, to "Smile, for God's sake! Can you at least act like you like each other?"

The were forced to roam the ballroom, arm and arm, large smiles plastered on their faces as they talk to important person after important person, answering the same questions over and over and over again.

"Are you excited? You should feel very blessed,"

"How do you feel stepping into your brother's shoes?"

"Have you heard from Prince Neteyam at all?"

"Is it true he ran away with a maid?"

"How long after your marriage and coronation can we expect an heir?"

They danced together, bodies moving to the rhythm of the perfectly performed orchestra as they twirl together almost seamlessly across the shiny ballroom floor. Their eyes don't leave each other as they dance, spinning to the music and seeming to notice nothing else around them except for each other before the coda plays and the dance comes to an end. They bow and curtsey respectively, eyes narrowing briefly at the other as they both try to push the annoying thought of how effortless the entire piece was and what that might signify.

Lo'ak's not in his room for five minutes when a knock on the door sounds. He's still in his fancy clothes, and the only thing he's managed to remove is his waistcoat. He's still working on unbuttoning his ruffled shirt when Princess's maid enters his bedchamber.

"My Prince, my Princess is requesting your presence,"

Lo'ak frowns. "For what?"

"She would like to discuss with you some matters regarding tomorrow's meeting with the council members,"

"No," Lo'ak scoffs. "I'm tired. We can talk tomorrow."

The older woman nods, understanding. "Yes, my Prince. However, my Lady does want me to insist and remind you that she has been training for this life far longer than you have and it is within your best interest to heed her suggestions,"

Lo'ak's hands drop from his shirt, a deep growl bursting from his throat at the slight coming from an infuriating girl currently located across the castle. He barrels past the maid, cutting through hallways until he's outside Princess's door. His knock is rough and angry, and she's still in her ball gown when she answers, a small smirk playing at her lips with a cocky, "Oh, good. You're here,"

"You summoned me?"

She has about two seconds to gloat and take pride in his pissed off expression before he's yelling at her. Harsh words spill from his lips - "you're a spoiled brat" "you're nothing without me" "You wouldn't have this chance anymore since Neteyam left if not for me,". The words aren't new, he's said them before - but this time they hit harder, and her carefully crafted visage of complete emotional stability and self control come crumbling down around them.

She's yelling at him back, interrupting his scathing words and spitting her own about how he'll never be like his brother, how if she leaves then it will be on him to look as a failure in front of his father, how she doesn't even want this marriage, never wanted it, but she has to if she ever wants any kind of a life.

They're both breathing heavy when the yelling stops, glaring daggers at each other as they try to calm their breathing. She can't help when her eyes trail down to his torso, taking in the fully unbuttoned shirt hanging open around his muscular chest, mixed metal necklaces contrasting nicely against his dark skin. His eyes are on her too, locked onto the soft swell of her breasts heaving in the tight corset top of her dress.

It's pure instinct as they come together, neither one making the active decision to lunge forward and press their lips together. Yet, here they are - in the middle of the quiet hallway, Lo'ak gripping Princess's face in his hands as her own latch onto the strong muscles of his arms through his frilly shirt.

Lo'ak's mouth on hers is sure and practiced, moving against hers with the expertise of someone who has had his fair share of women. He licks at the seam of her own trembling lips, letting out a soft breath at the shaky moan he receives for his efforts and bites gently at her plump bottom lip.

Princess's head is reeling, nervousness and desire pooling in her chest and making her shake against him. She doesn't know what she's doing, and it shows through her inexperience as she desperately tries to keep up with Lo'ak as his tongue curls against hers. And, despite the heated screaming match that brought them to this point, he's surprisingly gentle with her.

It's only when they part, just enough for them to breath, that Princess realizes they're now alone in her room. At some point during their kissing, Lo'ak must have walked them in and closed the door behind them, shielding them from any prying eyes who may have stumbled upon them even in the dead of night. She feels something build in her heart at the realization he did it for her.

She doesn't expect to lose her virginity that night. She always thought it would happen on her wedding day and even then it would be something that she has to do - an obligation that comes with the role of a future Queen. She's never wanted someone like that before.

But here with Lo'ak, it's different. He's looking at her, head tilted down as she stares up at him, his dark eyes boring into hers so dark she can practically see her own flushed reflection starting back at her. And she wants.

And then they're kissing again, slow and gentle and oh so good. Her hands slide up the flat planes of his stomach, fingertips caressing the soft skin so lightly as she drags them up and around that they tickle his ribs. His hands are back on her face, large palms cradling her cheeks, thumbs dragging slowly under her eyes as she sighs into his mouth.

Without thinking, her hands push off his opened shirt, sliding the fabric from his shoulders. His lips move down to her neck, kissing at the delicate skin and sucking on her hammering pulse point as she gasps. His hands move to the back of her dress, playing with the zigzagging ties and loosening them up with skilled fingers. She holds her breath as her dress slides off, self-consciously avoiding Lo'ak's gaze as he marvels at her naked body.

"You're so beautiful," He whispers, breathless, and she knows he means it.

He prepares her properly, like a true gentleman. Licking up her juices as he eats her out, sucking on her clit to hear her pretty moans but biting on her thigh in reprimand when she gets too loud. His tongue dips inside her and her thighs squeeze his head as she shoves her hand over her own mouth in an effort to quiet herself.

He makes her cum twice before he even gets his pants off. Once on his tongue, his eyes rolling back into his head at the taste of her orgasm, and once on his fingers, carefully pushing them into her drenched cunt, mindful of the fact that she's nervous and definitely hasn't done this before. His fingers curl inside her, thumb playing with her clit as he stretches her out to take his cock, whispering sweet praises in her ear about how perfect she is, how she's so fucking beautiful when she's angry and how hot he gets for her when she's pissed at him.

And when he pushes inside her, groaning in pleasure at the feel of her wet, warm walls hugging his cock, he kisses the tears from her face and praises her more. He tells her how he's dreamed about her, how she's doing such a good job, being such a good girl for him and taking him so well. He starts up a slow tempo, a gentle rocking of his hips against hers as he moves inside her, cock dragging against her gummy walls as she whines and moans, nails digging into his back as she tries to pull him even closer, overwhelmed by the very feel of him. She feels so good, so full - so so full. His cock is so deep inside her, rubbing a special spot inside her that she didn't know she had but makes her see stars.

"You wouldn't have been happy with Neteyam," He moans, and he shocks himself with how quickly the realization hits him. "You were made for me,"

(HELP the way this is long enough to be an actual fic lmao)

(Side note: what does lw mean?? Cannot for the life of me figure it out 😂)

[a-tale-of-legends]

On one end, the exp all is generally very good for cutting out grinding. Before the switch games, it could be turned on and off, which I feel is the best way to go about it, so you can choose how you want to play.

On the other end, the exp share can lead to over leveling. Not everyone cares about this, obviously, but if XY has taught us anything, is that the exp share can make the game much less difficult. Like. It's still a pokemon game. It's not the most intense game in the world. And XY's team comps aren't the greatest imo. But you get what I'm saying, right? This is mostly coming from my own experiences, but in recent years I don't want to over level my pokemon, so in the games where I can turn my exp share on and off, I would switch between the two, trying to keep things as balanced as possible. It's usually fine, but admittedly a bit tedious, especially when you are raising significantly weaker pokemon compared to the rest of your team.

So where does that lead us? Some potential ideas that could "fix" the problem.

1) Forgoing my own personal experience, I just think bringing back the option to turn off the exp all would be very beneficial. As fun as it was to switch around pokemon in my SV runs, I know not everyone is like that. Not everyone plays the way I do, so simply giving the players an actual choice would be good.

2) Bring back both the exp share ( the ones in, I think, gen 3-5) and the exp share all. With the option to turn the exp all on and off. The old exp share only really worked for one pokemon when equipped. I think, if a player feels like they are getting too high leveled, but wants to raise levels for a newer member, then just slap on the old exp share on it and call it a day. Of course there risk of over leveling, but I think it's cut down significantly by the old exp share.

3) The option to have hard level caps. I cannot stress enough that not everyone wants the same thing lol. Forcing a level cap for all will go. Poorly I think! Every player has their own way of playing, and this whole post is just from my perspective and experiences. Okay? Okay. This idea actually came from the fangames I could play! In them, there's a hard level cap for each particular milestone, usually involving the gyms. If you want to bypass the level cap, use a rare candy! But at the risk of your pokemon not listening to you. I think a hard level cap could be a decent way to train up newer pokemon as well, since the older ones aren't gaining levels past the level cap unless you use a rare candy.

The biggest drawback to this is linearity. If Gamefreak continues the open world (ish) route with future pokemon games, a hard level cap would be miserable. It only really works in a more linear format, bc you're going from a to b. Yeah, SV wasn't completely open world, but imagine having a hard level cap when you're trying to explore. It would be miserable and just doesn't fit the open world experience. This idea is honestly better with linearity + better scaling lmao.

Aaaand yeah. I'm not trying to say these ideas are perfect, and I am no way a professional in game design . In fact I can see some backfiring lol. Heck giving too many options could also back fire lol. Truthfully, giving back the option to turn off exp all would be the best thing here, but I still like my other two ideas :)

[chemengblr]

Had to email a doctor I don’t fully trust anymore after some poorly interpreted test results earlier this year to ask if she could pretty please switch my IUD to a copper one (after this stress fracture I’m so done not having a true indicator of my body’s health) and I just hate that it feels like asking permission to do something with my body that I want to do and to have done.

It extra sucks bc we had this discussion about two years ago when I was debating staying with my current hormonal-based IUD she repeatedly told me it’s not a big deal that I lose my period with it and that it’s normal. But like !!! As an athlete it might not be and she didn’t even bother addressing the nuance and kind of made me feel crazy for being concerned about it?? I didn’t get my period for over three years at one point, granted I was still very much struggling with food issues, yet when I stopped working out as much it came back.

This last training bout I was actually getting my period (it’s been constant since getting my iud replaced last year) but it has stopped the past two months basically since getting injured. I see that and even though it’s “normal” with hormonal iud I hate that no doctor will actually talk with me about the nuance of being an endurance athlete with a hormonal birth control method that is normal to lose your period but IF AN ENDURANCE ATHLETE EVER LOSES THEIR PERIOD THAT IS SUCH BAD NEWS LIKE SOMETHING IS ALWAYS WRONG.

Amenorreah is a critical indicator of recovery and like I don’t know I want to be running marathons competitively and I was in PR shape (3:02-3:05 marathon) at the START of my last 8 week intense push for Chicago (I ran a 3:06 in marathon #2 without specific training running at my friends paces for the two months before like girl I am breaking 3 the next time around no issues) but without a critical indicator of recovery status and overall health I’m freaking out. I want to be doing this for another decade and a half (ty Shalane, Des, Sara for showing us women can competitively run marathons into their 40s) and I’m so sick and tired of losing year(s) of training to shit that I feel like I could prevent if I had the bodily indication something was up! Ugh!

It also doesn’t fucking help that studies regarding reproductive health and endurance athletes do not include individuals on hormonal birth control measures. I can’t even find scientific literature about the population I’m in for a whole host of reasons and yet my doctors are telling me it’s fine?? I don’t know maybe I’m just too anxious about it but I don’t want to be anxious about it anymore!!!!

I’ve also thought about completely going off of birth control but I’ve been on it almost half of my life at this point (thank you awful, awful acne in high school and accutane requirements) that part of the reason I stayed on hormonal methods in the first place is because my body might not even know how to produce its own shit once I’m off of it. I’m so fucking afraid of what comes next but if there’s something there I feel like I need to know and not mask it. Not to mention I went on birth control like 3 years after starting my period and it was never really regular to begin with (would skip months pretty frequently) but I don’t know if that’s bc it takes a while to regulate or if it was due to basically starving myself at that point of my life. Ugh.